i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
