I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
