i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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