i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
