Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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