Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
