The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
