my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
