make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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