i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
