K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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