Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
