I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
