4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
