im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
