I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
