Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
