sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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