You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
