Don't make out with my wife yet
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
