We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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