I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
