dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
