I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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