there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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