I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
