just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Acid is not a monday night drug
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
