I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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