You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
