I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
