Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
