Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
