LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
