I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
