He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
