sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
