my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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