So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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