Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
