Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Damn victory sex feels great
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
