im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
