I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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