Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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