He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
