Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
