Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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