What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
