There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We have started to decorate penises.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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