So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
