I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
